Saturday, November 5, 2011

Confessions of a Giving Mom

© Copyright 2011, Lyndsie

“This October marks my third year as a mother. "October?" You see, my daughter, June, likes surprises. And if the little bean in my tummy 3 years ago could be any sign of what would come of our future, I should've known she'd be a handful! 

My partner, Frank, and I were barely in our 3rd month of dating. We had been friends for a few months, and as carefree young adults, we took chances. Looking back, some were stupid (playing wiffleball IN Walmart), some were just plain fun (playing video games with friends) and others were pure, irresponsible mishaps. I was 19, on birth control and going to college while working full-time at a large video game production company, making an unheard of amount of money for a 19 year old with no college degree. Maybe I bit off more than I could chew, maybe I just "forgot" proper placement of my NuvaRing, or maybe, just maybe, it was fate. 

Fate is defined by events outside a person's control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power. Frank and I were irresponsible most of the time, but when it came to safe sex, we were safe! I was on birth control (NuvaRing). I had endometriosis and was told that conceiving naturally would be difficult (or as the doctor claimed, "nearly impossible, but maybe not.") We used condoms, but due to my latex allergy and the previously mentioned irresponsible mishaps, there must've been a night that we ran out of fancy polyurethane. 

"Pull out and pray!"--I remember saying that to Frank. For the remaining 8 months I was pregnant, that statement burned in my brain. Pull out and pray. What DID we pray for? A baby? No baby? 

Frank and I stared at a BIG F-ING POSITIVE, in complete silence. I was in denial, it wasn't positive, it was "too light"...Frank grabbed the instructions and said, "ANY positive is a positive. You're pregnant."

"I can't DO this. I CAN'T just STOP and give up EVERYTHING I have worked for up to now. There's NO WAY." 

Frank and I talked it out. I'd call in the morning and make an appointment to get the abortion pill. I could do the pill. 

I called the clinic after a pep talk from my older sister. She claimed Frank would leave me and that I would be alone. She said it like she was so sure, having never met him. The receptionist asked me how far along I was and if the next day was "fast enough". Fast enough?? What I needed was more time to think, while I knew that if I had been beyond 9 weeks, I wouldn't be given the pill. 

After a sleepless night I made it to the clinic for my appointment. I sat in the parking lot a whole hour early. I talked to my stomach.

"I'm sorry Little. I can't be a good mommy right now. I'm young, I just started my life. I need to become better first."

I took a deep breath and unbuckled my seatbelt. The buckle noise startled me, and at that point I was reminded that my stomach was empty and I needed to eat. I had a BABY inside of me. The least I could do was give it a "last meal", right? I drove to the closest fast food joint.

My phone rang. It was Frank.

He begged me to not go to the clinic a whole 15 minutes beyond my appointment time...sigh, men! He reassured me that together, we could do this. He said he was ready to be a father. He would support me, no matter what. And, hey, there are lots of young moms. We planned on me going to school and working through the pregnancy, then daycare and eventually we'd be moved out of our parents’ houses and live on our own with little pitter-patters down our gorgeous hallway. 

Fate. Let's get back to that. Fate changed my life. It changed my whole dynamic, who I thought I was going to become and who I am today are two different people. 

My daughter June is now 28 months old and has been nursing from my breasts since birth.

She was cloth diapered for 2 years. 

She is happy, healthy, smart and becoming an amazing little girl right before my eyes. She grows every day, learns new things every moment and teaches me more about myself with every second that passes. 

She has changed my life for the better. No job, no paycheck and no beautiful house is worth the toothy-grin and giggles that I see daily. The smell of her skin, the softness of her hair and her tiny fingers... these are things that I never imagined would be so beautiful that they would make me cry. 

She loves her Daddy. And he loves me. He praises me for being such a good mom, for giving up what I had. 

But, it's funny. I don't feel as if I've given up anything. Instead, I was given the world in a pink blankey on June 22nd, 2009."

...Oh, and, little did I think of at the time...This life hadn't "just started" starts at conception. I couldn't take that away. In return, I was given more than I could ever imagine.

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