Thursday, May 3, 2012

Confessions of a Mama who Waited 6 Years

© 2012 Nicole S.

"We got married in 2000 and I used hormonal contraceptives from May of 2000 to February of 2001. (Since then, my views on the topic have changed and I stopped using it.) My husband told me he was ready to start a family. I was excited to hear this because I had been ready on our honeymoon!

We tried to conceive (TTC) for about 5 months. During that time, I experienced very painful periods and pain during intercourse. I visited a gynecologist who said that I most likely had endometriosis. She told me because I was TTC I should see a fertility specialist and referred me to someone.

I had my appointment and was set up for a laparoscopy. She removed all the endometriosis and said it would come back in about 6 months and if I was not pregnant by then we could start treatments. She told me that it was normal to take about a year to get pregnant. After 6 months I was still not pregnant and started treatments. First it was clomid with timed intercourse then it was clomid with profosi (and injection) with timed intercourse. This went on for about 2 years. Then after that we did IUI and that did not work. After 3 years of TTC I was a mess. I could not look at pregnant women or babies.

My sister was pregnant; she was unmarried and hadn't been trying. I was so mad and hurt that I called her baby a bastard and would not speak to my sister for awhile. I feel bad about this because the baby died and all I could think about was how unhappy I was for my sister to be blessed with this baby!

When my SIL got pregnant I avoided her for 9 months. And when the baby was born I refused to see the baby at all. Just the sight of her made me cry. I was so depressed abut not being able to have a baby that I was suicidal and attempted to take a bottle of pills to commit suicide. Then I blamed GOD. It was his fault. I was in very bad shape.

After 5 years of TTC my cousin asked me to adopt his unborn child. I was through the moon. I was finally going to have my baby. I went to all the appointments and had a baby shower. I was ready to welcome this baby into our family!

But 2 weeks before the estimated due date (EDD), he and his wife left the state and left me without a baby. My husband and I were devastated and decided to try in-vitro fertilization (IVF). We were now into year 6 of TTC. I went through the IVF and lost twins. Out of the 18 remaining fertilized eggs, none of them were usable because they stopped growing after 4 cells.

I was told I had the worst embryos my doctor had ever seen for a 27 year old woman and that I would NEVER carry my own children. I was broken. Devastation doesn't even describe it. I went through the next couple of months in a haze. Hubby thought it would be a good idea to take me to Disney to cheer me up.

Well, a month later I found out I was pregnant. Four months after being told I would never have a baby, I was having a baby! To this day, it still takes me time to get pregnant. It took 15 months of TTC for my 2nd child and a little over 2 years for my 3rd child.

Those 6 years were the worst years of my life, but looking back, I think God gave me them for a reason. Now I can listen to women that are going through infertility and understand everything they are feeling because I felt the same way. There are a lot of negative feelings when experiencing infertility that our society does not recognize or respect. Our culture can invalidate or even mock those feelings, but I know from experience that those emotions are real and can't be erased or fixed.

I have now been blessed with three wonderful children and I hope to be blessed with at least one more. This is my story. Thanks for reading."

Nicole's first son after TTC for 6 years and being told she would NEVER have a baby

Nicole's second son after 15 months of TTC

Nicole's daughter after 2 years of TTC

If you have an infertility journey to share, please PM or email me.


  1. Oh wow... I am so sorry you had to go through all that pain, but am so happy for you now that you have your 3 joys!

  2. are a reaally strong woman!! Mentally and physically..GINORMOUS CONGRATS!! Truly..miracle x 3...+

    Perseverance must be your middle name..what a wonderful attribute to have...thanks for blogging/sharing...loved your recent posts about no vax!!