Monday, July 16, 2012

Confessions of a Survivor Who Weaned

This is a submission for the month of July on sexual abuse. This topic may be triggering and painful to some readers. Please continue with caution.

© 2012 Submitted anonymously:


"When I was a child, my mom was more interested in me being her friend than she was in being my mother. She told me vivid details about her sex life and generally spoke inappropriately.

For example, after talking to me about my birth and breastfeeding me, she would continue with vivid details about her sexual experiences. She would even include details about my father- who, though they were divorced, I was very close to.

My most concentrated number of memories of this behavior was around age 12, when I fell headlong into puberty. I felt so violated by her confidences and behaviors that I started to feel sick when she would hug me or otherwise try to be affectionate. And to this day, I cannot stand the way she smells.

When my daughter was born, I developed severe PPD (Post Partum Depression). I was flooded with terrible memories and thoughts that made me feel ill every time I nursed my daughter. I attribute many of those feelings to how innapropriate my mother was with me. I would sit up at night and cry, wanting to give my daughter my milk, but being horrified by the contact I had with her during the nursing session.

I weaned her from the breast when she was two weeks old and began taking heavy duty depression meds, along with seeing a therapist. It took a long time for me to deal with my post traumatic stress, depression, repressed anger and disgust. All of these things were connected to what felt sexually abusive to me, but they involved a woman, my mother... not a man.

Years later, I had a son. I felt none of the same feelings and successfully nursed him until he weaned himself. And then years later after that, I had a second son and felt none of those feelings. Each time I became pregnant, I would hope for a son, because I was so terrified of feeling those feelings again while nursing. I attributed those emotions to being the mother of a daughter. The feelings were impossible to shake, but gut wrenching and heart breaking, because I was unable to give my daughter what I wanted to give her, due to experiences in my formative years."



Resources on breastfeeding after sexual abuse:

http://one-of-those-women.blogspot.com/2008/08/breastfeeding-as-survivor-of-sexual.html

http://www.lalecheleague.org/ba/may98.html

http://nativemothering.com/2010/08/breastfeeding-after-assault/

Do you have a story to tell? Submission details here.

2 comments:

  1. This is extremely validating! Thank you! My mother too was not much of a parent to me and actually PRAISED herself on being my friend. She over shared constantly revealing many things she shouldn't have not the least of which were details about her sex life with my dad, her ex husband. Boundaries weren't known in our house and I was ridiculed anytime I tried to establish some. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

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  2. When I was 3 or 4 I was brutally sexually assaulted by the couple who ran my family daycare.

    The first day of my assault onwards I demanded privacy when showering never asked for help with wiping and told my parents to stay away from my bottom. (my abusers had threatened me with hurting my little sister and killing my parents)

    They were in their sixties proving pedophilia never dies.

    eventually years later I told my mom they were charged but then my parents did not move to prosecute because it had been so long that while it was provable that someone had violated me it could not be proven as to who did it.

    I only have boys but I work in childcare, I feel EXTREME discomfort when changing the diaper of a girl or a circumcised boy as it looks (to me like the site where he was sexually assaulted and makes me feel as though I am sexually assaulting the little girl even though I have no such intentions. Like I want to run away discomfort. I avoid changing girls and circumcised boys like the plague but have no issues changing the diapers of intact boys. I don't even know how to broach this with my boss without seeming like a psycho or unemployable in the childcare industry.

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