Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Dirty Secret about Adoption

Here is a topic often overlooked by any side. Almost everyone of every political party or philosophical stance is quick to say that adoption is a good answer to an unexpected pregnancy. And, really, no one is saying that adoption on its own is bad. Adoption can be a loving family choice for everyone involved.

That being said, under the terms "forced adoption" "exiled mothers" and "adoption industry" are mothers, children, families and communities hurting from the same destructive things we talk about in other topics.

Lack of informed consent/refusal.
Lack of basic information.
Restricted access.
No resources.
No support.
No encouragement.

And then afterwards, no acknowledgment and no healing.

Non-monetized link for more information:

A beautiful friend sent this message. She approved posting her message here, provided it was anonymous:


I was just reading through your comments on your status posted about adoption as an option and it really stuck with me. I got pregnant my senior year of high school. I was that "party girl" that no one was really surprised to see end up knocked up. 

I am sure most people would have said I would have been better off choosing abortion or adoption but I knew I could do it. I re-dedicated my life to God, I stepped up and tried to learn everything I could to be the best mom I could be for him. 

I am now the mom to a healthy, intact, breastfed (toddler on demand) vaccine-free, gently raised and loved happy little 2 year old boy who is my entire world. He also made me realize what I want to do with my life and I am applying for 2 different midwifery schools over seas. 

I also feel like God has really laid it on my heart to try to change the way children are viewed and treated in the Christian community. (Referring to adoption being the replacement for abortion and wiping away the mistake.) I relate to so many of your posts and rants. 

Needless to say things can be tough financially and sometimes I am a bit lonely as a single mom but I would not change a thing. As I type this my beautiful son is asleep on my chest smiling in his sleep and I would not want it any other way. Just some encouragement for you, to keep doing what you are doing as it could make a difference for that one person..."

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  1. So awful that this kind of thing is still happening in the 21st century.
    My dad was adopted, and I would be willing to bet his "first" mother didn't want to give him up. It breaks my heart to think of my grandmother in that much pain. I wish I knew her. We tried to find her, after we got my dad's original birth certificate....we did find her (I believe) but she never responded to our letters. Which pissed me off, but I guess I don't know her pain, her life, etc...I don't even know her, but as a single/unwed mother myself, I can relate to her on so many levels, if only she would have had the opportunity I had. Then again, I do truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I just do.
    I read the book "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler. It is absolutely HEARTBREAKING.
    I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone interested in the 50's, 60's, 70's era adoption....and sadly, this crap still goes on. :(
    THere was another book I read about 50's era adoptions in Ireland...I wish I could remember the name of the was awful. It was a book written by a midwife who worked in a Catholic Home for unwed mothers....what HORRIFIC people those Nun's were. The things they did to those mothers and babies....they should be ashamed....and to think that they believe in Hell...because surely that is where they may go after what they did to those women.

  2. The website for the book I mentioned:

  3. Huge respect to your friend for sharing, for having the confidence to live her life how she believes is right, and for giving her son such a great start in life x

  4. Stephanie, the Irish homes you mention are the Magdalene Laundries. There are a few books about it. It sadly was not just in the 50's, but from 1922 until 1996. Yes, it was horrific. There were many homes for unwed mothers around the globe that were abusive.

    I was born in 1967 at the height of the closed adoption era, now referred to as a 40 year failed social experiment. My husband and I were both adopted. I love my parents dearly and I had a wonderful, loving childhood. However, I always needed to know who I was. I reunited with my birth mother five years ago. It has been an amazing reunion. But it opened an old wound for her that had never healed and she suffers from delayed grief, ptsd, depression and an overwhelming 'I don't deserve...' attitude. Knowing all that I know about adoption, (I had been on forums and researched it for 9 years prior to reunion) the first thing I wanted to know was if she spent any time in one of the homes. She had not, thankfully. It saddens us both that her story was a best-case scenario at the time, plus definitely a best-case scenario post-reunion and she still suffers so much. It pains us that millions of women suffered so much more. How all of society treated these girls was despicable. They were kicked out of school, usually kicked out of the house, no social assistance, no one would hire them, no one would rent to them. Except in the odd case where the girl's mother would protect and help her, all adopted babies in that era were forced adoptions.

    Thank you, Guggie, for talking about this. This is one of those situations that is still treated as such a secret, but healing will only begin with knowledge.