Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Today's List of Spanking Links

"There are only a few ways that a parent or caregiver can respond to a child in moments of question or in need of discipline. These methods first take place within the mind of the parent and lead to the actual interaction between parent and child. I have placed them into three common categories of punishment, permissiveness, and discipline. Punishment and permissiveness can have similar underlying qualities of dis-empowerment for the child and parent, but permissiveness can also be a bridge from punishment to discipline at times when a parent is learning new techniques for teaching."

Want to spark thought with friends and family? Here's a conversation starter:

"“When we do things that are controlling, whether intentional or not, we are not going to get the long-term outcomes we all want for our kids.”" -- Alfie Kohn

It's not just the fringe people asking to protect children from punishment. Our country is slowly eeking towards the same standards as other developed countries:

"I might be able to sit him in time-out or yell at him or spank him or take away his favorite toy or otherwise coerce him out of this completely annoying habit, but in exchange for his compliance, I've lost an opportunity to connect with my child."

"In this country, if you do the same thing to your dog that you do to your child, you're more likely to get in trouble for mistreating the dog."

"We finally understood that to parent is not to mold and to push, but to nurture and protect. We understood that to parent we don’t have to have all the answers. We do have to love. We may not understand, we may get frustrated and even angry, but we always have to love."

"Today, physical punishment is considered too severe for felons, murderers, criminals of all kinds and ages, including juvenile delinquents; too demeaning for soldiers, sailors, servants and spouses. But it remains legal and acceptable for children who are innocent of any crime." - www.nopunish.net

“Sending children away to get control of their anger perpetuates the feeling of 'badness" inside them...Chances are they were already feeling not very good about themselves before the outburst and the isolation just serves to confirm in their own minds that they were right.” -Otto Weininger

"It can be very difficult to stay calm and patient with an emotional and distressed little person – but losing our cool, doesn’t encourage our children to keep their calm."

"As our son's wailing continued, my husband suddenly grabbed in a bear hug, and whispered calmly in his ear, "I love you, Aydon." The horrible tantrum ceased immediately, like a hurricane that miraculously evaporates, as Aydon reached out for a hug from his daddy." *This goes along with what we've been saying..compassion, hugs, and "I love you's" diffuse tantrums.* ~B

Do we box our children into a negative label, cutting off their potential and talent?

"We need to remember that our society has trained people to disapprove of children doing what is healthy and natural. People disapprove of horseplay, of noise, of exuberance, of too much laughter, of tantrums, of crying, and of children asking for the attention they need. This disapproval is out of line. Children are good. Their needs are legitimate, including the need to offload bad feelings."

"It's not nice to hit people; children are people."
- Pam Leo

"Genuine cooperation comes from the heart. The only cooperation worth having is that which is given freely by a child, not because he has been frightened into obedience, but because he feels loved, respected, and understood, and consequently wants to treat his parents with love and respect in return."

Children learn what they live:

"It is paradoxical, yet true: children are most in need of loving attention when they act least deserving of it."

"Really, stop and think about it for a minute. Is obedience what you are striving for? If the grandest and best thing you can wish for is to have an obedient child, then maybe training is the way to go about it. But I don't think that is an appropriate goal for a human being. When you train people to obey, you train them listen to their superiors rather than to their instincts. They lose (or never gain) the ability to use common sense or rational thinking to make decisions and instead they rely entirely on instructions or advice from others to decide what to do. You train them to be people pleasers, to be reliant on others for their own sense of self-worth."

"Punishment means you cause pain or discomfort to change the child’s behavior. And it works, in the short term and as long as you hurt them enough so they don’t do it again and as long as they’re scared of you. Read this last sentence and tell me it doesn’t sound absurd that you would go down this path as a form of discipline? Where is the respect in this relationship? There isn’t any."

"People often ask for alternatives to spanking. There is no alternative to hitting children. If your goal is to help your child to develop his autonomy you don't look for a means to making him/her obedient. And this is the only thing you achieve with spanking - but only for a while. Later the whole family will have to pay the price for their obedience. And this you should know just from the first day of your child. Then it is up to you to make the choice consciously."

Researchers found that kids who were held more by their parents, whose cries received quick responses in infancy and who were disciplined without corporal punishment were more empathic — that is, they were better able to understand the minds of others — later in life.

Add new tools to your parenting box:

"Children do as they see, not as they’re told. If you want your child to be mindful of others, you must be mindful of others yourself. If you want your child to by happy, you must smile without hesitation. There is no one more influential to your child than you. At least for now."

Some kids are MORE than others. They still deserve respectful parenting:

“Why is it so difficult to accept the importance of readiness? Normally developing children do what they can do; they do not withhold. Parents who expect their children to perform on a level the child has not yet reached are creating failure and disappointment for both the children and themselves. Don’t people realize how it possibly affects young children when what they can do is not appreciated but what they cannot do is expected?” – Magda Gerber

Calulu reflects on how and why she rejected the teachings of “To Train Up A Child,” in Parenting & the Super Religious:

Does the Bible support spanking children?

An excellent article that I pray pray pray you will read with an open heart:

More on the Bible, including quotations:

A Letter to Christians on Spanking:

Do you view God as revengeful or merciful?

Are you trying to get out of a punitive parenting cycle? Investigate your ingrained views on spanking to make sure you aren’t subconsciously sabotaging your efforts to peacefully parent!

Ready for an in-depth analysis on the topic? Steph writes 8 (EIGHT!) articles on Christianity and spanking. Part one begins here:

Spanking or Hitting?

How to use a rod:

How to test your rod:

A collection of poems to remind us what really matters:

". . . if the choice is between a spanking and a time out, I'd suggest the time out. But that's not the only choice! And both are rooted in a punitive mindset. A punishment is something that is added on to teaching to cause the child to feel bad with the underlying belief that only by feeling bad can they learn. But, in fact, they learn lots of things without feeling bad. They learn to walk and talk and spell their own name without requiring punishment, so the argument that they can't learn if they don't feel bad is completely unfounded." ~ Crystal Lutton

In this article The Hippie Housewife shares helpful thoughts about discipline and discipline tools she has found to be useful in her family:

A child acting out in public can be the most embarrassing or uncomfortable thing for many parents. Here is one story:

This is a video on why spanking isn't stopping the "degradation" of society:
Here's a post about parenting without shaming...

"Almost everyone in Western societies agrees that it is morally wrong for people to settle arguments or impose their will on each other with blows. When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully; five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger; later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome, disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from the rest?" - Penelope Leach

"However, our findings suggest that it was negative parenting in early infancy that mattered most."

"Researchers have found that parents who anger easily and over-react are more likely to have toddlers who act out and become upset easily."

"“Toddlers that are spanked more frequently at age 3 are at increased risk for being more aggressive at age 5,” said Taylor, assistant professor of Community Health Sciences at Tulane and lead author of the study. “We found this to be true even after taking into account other factors that might have explained this association such as the parents’ level of stress, depression, use of drugs or alcohol, and the presence of other aggression within the family.”

The title says it all. :(

An uncomfortable topic that no one wants to discuss:

Some people might feel aware parenting is the right niche for them:

"Recent research has proved that the DNA of 10-year-olds who have experienced violence at a young age are found to show wear and tear normally associated with aging."

"If we wish to have a strong, healthy, happy race of men, we should lay a good foundation in the education of early childhood. We should avoid all means of brutal, slavish training which cripple man's individuality, freedom, and happiness. We should not use violence and fear. We should be careful to remove from the children all that is brutal, ugly, vicious, and fearsome. We should surround our young with the graceful, the true, the beautiful, the good, the kind, the lovely, and the loving." - Boris Sidis, Ph.D., M.D.

"Children who are bullied in childhood are up to three times more likely to self harm up to the age of 12, a study published today on BMJ suggests."

The only thing I disagree with, is the word irreversible. We are all capable of miracles, and of growing, learning and healing throughout our lifetimes. Never give up, never give in!
It really applies across the board, too:

But a growing body of research—and a new study from the trenches of the New York public-school system—strongly suggests it might be the other way around. Giving kids the label of “smart” does not prevent them from underperforming. It might actually be causing it:

"The reason praise can work in the short run is that young children are hungry for our approval. But we have a responsibility not to exploit that dependence for our own convenience. A "Good job!" to reinforce something that makes our lives a little easier can be an example of taking advantage of children’s dependence. Kids may also come to feel manipulated by this, even if they can’t quite explain why."

So, praise can be detrimental? What do you do??? Read this for starters:

Link is NOT monetized. I make no money for sharing this, and am just sharing so you can review the book. Is your child MORE? Find common ground and great suggestions with this one. I've read it and would recommend it:

Link is NOT monetized. I make no money for sharing this, and am just sharing so you can review the book. This is a fantastic book that I have, and IMO every parent should read it:

Link is NOT monetized. I make no money for sharing this, and am just sharing so you can review the book. Trying to grasp this way of living? Go back to Alfie and read it from him!

Learn about spanking within the branch of neuroscience. Hitting goes farther than skin deep.

Just need a quick intro to this way of thinking? Here is an essay on it:

"Non-punitive parenting seeks respect by giving kids respect."

Worried about becoming too permissive? Want to gently parent, but unsure of how to do this effectively?

Tired of hearing that today's kids are horrible? What did they say a long time ago? LOL! From Little Hearts Books (Gentle Parenting Resources):

What is positive parenting? Find out here:

Swedish parents rely on a variety of alternatives to physical punishment to discipline their children:

What are the reasons YOU avoid spanking?

What do we want out of our parenting methods?


  1. Thank you Guggie, great resource! ♥

  2. Thank you for sharing all of these, Guggie. :)