Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Healing from a Homebirth Transfer

©  2012 Anonymous upon request
"First, I'd like to thank you for all the support I see you post for all sorts of birth and loss. Second, if you choose to post about this I'd like to remain anonymous.

 I gave birth on Saturday to my fourth baby. A boy. He is beautiful and healthy. It was an intended homebirth. I had seen a well respected midwife beginning at 8 weeks into the pregnancy. I got to 41 weeks 3 days when she wanted me to have a biophysical profile done.

Well, my baby failed the test. They gave me a 2 for fluid levels and said my placenta was a grade 3. She came to my home to tell me we needed to induce. I told her I wanted another opinion so we went late that night to her OB friend and he saw movement but said the placenta looked ready.

She, her student, and my husband pushed for induction. They said baby only had a 25% survival rate and I should just be having a csection anyways. I was made to feel selfish, and that I would be saved by this almighty induction.

Now, I am grieving. I will never have my peaceful home birth. I will never be without the trauma of 36 hours of labor. I will never get back the lost moment, when I wasn't able to celebrate my daughter's second birthday because I was strapped down in the hospital.

I feel as if I cannot forgive them and I am struggling so badly with this. I am of course very thankful for my boy. He's perfect. And I thank God he IS okay. But that doesn't take away the hurt. I will always feel robbed. I know he would've been okay and that I should've walked out of that hospital.

I know that I would still be holding a healthy baby boy. Where do I go from here? I'm left with the financial burdens of unintended hospital birth, a midwife who seems to think I got lucky thanks to her, and a husband who is oblivious to the damage. Where do I go? What do I do? Who do I decide to believe?"

Another mama, Krystal, shares a photo of her third c-section
after preparing for a VBAC.
Related story:


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  1. To the administrator,

    It seems the author of this post is wanting some kind of dialogue and support. Can I ask why you havn't 'approved' comments to be posted? It seems to negate the purpose of the page to limit the information sharing and feedback to the women who had this experience. Maybe you are just busy with Christmas?

  2. Because I'm not approving backhanded comments written on Christmas eve that share information everyone already knows and only seeks to attempt to use women to negate all the points made in this and similar (linked) posts. Try a real profile w/ a real photo, and lose the snark, then you might see your comments.

  3. Guggie....YOU ROCK!! Keep it comin.... women need to be free to make their own decisions APART from coersion....if she didn't WANT a biophysical profile, then she should not have been forced to get one. Sorry for your experience Anonymous...yet, you are not just ONE....there are so many others of us forced into unwanted, unnecessary interventions. I pray you find healing soon and regain your voice. Blessings

  4. Dear Anonymous Poster,
    First, huge hugs.
    I feel your hurt and your frustration. It's hard to make those last minute decisions. It's hard to be told that your baby is at risk and not do what everyone is telling you needs to be done for your baby in that moment. It's hard for our plans to go so different from what we ever imagined for ourselves. I want to tell you, though, you did not fail. You are strong. You did everything you could for your baby. You sacrificed the birth you wanted for your baby. And maybe he would have been a perfectly healthy and happy baby boy had you said no and stayed home. But you can take this experience and use it in your life. Right now you are still in the healing stage. A huge part of that is forgiving. Forgive yourself. Forgive your husband because he was more than likely just scared ... and human. We do the best we can. Once you can heal more, you can use this to help other moms. Your story will bless other moms. Your words will help others to stick to their guns when their gut is telling them one thing and the world another. This experience, though so far from what you wanted, will mold you into a stronger, wiser, more experienced, fighter of a mom.
    I'm a c-section mom. I know what dissapointment over your birth feels like. I know what it's like to be so angry at yourself and those around you who said this was what needed to be done and then go on happy while you feel lost in this wrong turn your body took. Ive gone on to have 2 VBACs. I've gone on to tell so many moms about better ways to birth. Better ways to turn breech babies (that was my failing). Better ways to VBAC. Do I still regret my CS? 100%! But it has become a blessing too. And your birth will do the same. It will transform from your burden to your profession. To your educational experience. You can use this. You are not broken. You are not a failure. You are not lost. Forgive. And love on your baby. Love on your body. You are strong and amazing and this experience is going to help you create your own little niche of expertise to share and guide other moms with.
    Have a Merry Christmas with your babies. Hug them and love on them and let your heart heal.