Saturday, October 13, 2012

Kaleb's Story

© 2012 Erica Brown

 The following story includes pregnancy loss, suicidal reference and PPD reference.

 "I lost my son when I was 27 weeks pregnant.

 How did it begin?

 I thought I had a bladder infection. Since I had already experienced a kidney infection I went to the doctor quickly. The first thing they did was an ultrasound. Silence. No heartbeat. The tech said the baby's head was large and that's probably why he died. We were shocked by the bluntness of how he shared this news with us. He went to a doctor who confirmed it.

They kept me in the hospital and induced me. That was a Friday night. I don't know what they gave me or did to me, as I barely remember anything. It was Sunday morning before I dilated enough to deliver him. They then found out that he had his blood supply cut off because the umbilical cord had clamped shut at his belly button. He had been gone a week without us knowing. It was the hardest thing I have ever journeyed through in my life.

For weeks I swear I still felt him kicking me, even though I had watched him as he was buried. I thought I was going crazy. I was depressed and didn't know I could get help. I distinctly remember one time I decided to have a drink with my then husband a few weeks later and it gave me a day dream that I had slit my wrists and was buried with my baby. I honestly thought it had really happened and I kept telling him how sorry I was about it.

 Anyways, that was 10 years ago this past August. I now have to drive 4 hours to see his headstone. But I am really glad we chose to bury him so that I have a place to mourn my child. I have had 3 pregnancies since without the complication that Kaleb had. I am blessed and saddened at the same time. It's terrible to lose a child at any stage.

 One thing I am grateful for is a memory box from the hospital. It has his foot print in it along with the ultrasound photos. They also took some polaroid pictures for me. It was hard to look at those photos for a long time, but now I know why they gave it to me. I need it. I need to see him to know that he existed. That he grew in my belly and was alive. That he had his Mommy right with him when he grew and when he passed. I will always have proof of that. I can't help but cry just thinking about my angel who is waiting for me in heaven.

I think you should host some pieces about postpartum depression. I was so young and stupid and didn't know anything about it. As sad as this topic is that you are doing, I will read it and cry along with the other mothers who have lost babies. It helps so much to cry sometimes. Thank you, sorry this is so long."

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