Then along came my period. Damn things. Now, I know all about mama cloth and personally like it, but I don't have much of a stash. And what I do have, I've pieced together from giveaways or friend freebies. Despite the careful math espousing long term savings, the idea of spending $15 on a single pad makes me give up before check out.
Cue the wonderful day I complain about my little stash and am told, once again, to consider the menstrual cup. The menstrual cup isn't a new idea to me. It's just a terrible idea, in my humble opinion.
And yet somehow I ended up seeing one on a deal website. I also happened to have some money in my "fun time" paypal account. (Because clearly a menstrual cup is the epitome of the promise of a fun time.) In a flash, it happened. I am now the proud owner of a cup for my vagina.
Terrified at what I did, I rushed over to a Facebook group, looking for reassurance.
"It's fantastic, you'll love it!"
"There's no mess at all! Just rinse it out!"
"These things are better than tampons!"
Today, my vagina cup arrived. With trepidation, I ripped open the bag. As if there's a way to have a shred of dignity in this ordeal, the cup was inside a cute little drawstring pouch, such as the way you get pretty jewelry. The thought of jewelry and vaginas made me wonder if I could personalize the thing. Menstrual Bedazzled Cups! Coming to a vagina near you!
I plucked the cup out of the bag and stood there, mouth agape. My eyes widened. Across the room, I heard my 4 year old call out, "What's wrong, Mama?"
This. This is what's wrong.
I'm supposed to put this into my vaginal area? My birthing canal? The hoohaa location? WHAT?
Look. Don't get me wrong. I've pushed some mighty fat heads across that threshold. I know what women can do when it's time to do it. But I don't want to do it every month for 3-5 days! Are you KIDDING ME?
This thing is like 3 inches long! And over an inch wide! And thick, and grippy. I didn't even bother to try it out. I just sat down to write out my woes.
My vagina cup is too big for my vagina. You know that meme about first world problems?