Thursday, November 8, 2012

Now I Own a Vagina Cup

Exactly how far will you go to be hippie? Usually, due to personal motivation, a sense of fulfillment, a desire for some outcome, etc, we don't even phrase it that way. Slaving in the kitchen for delicious food makes sense. Reading until our eyes hurt to make informed medical decisions happens without question.

Then along came my period. Damn things. Now, I know all about mama cloth and personally like it, but I don't have much of a stash. And what I do have, I've pieced together from giveaways or friend freebies. Despite the careful math espousing long term savings, the idea of spending $15 on a single pad makes me give up before check out.

Cue the wonderful day I complain about my little stash and am told, once again, to consider the menstrual cup. The menstrual cup isn't a new idea to me. It's just a terrible idea, in my humble opinion.

And yet somehow I ended up seeing one on a deal website. I also happened to have some money in my "fun time" paypal account. (Because clearly a menstrual cup is the epitome of the promise of a fun time.) In a flash, it happened. I am now the proud owner of a cup for my vagina.

Terrified at what I did, I rushed over to a Facebook group, looking for reassurance.

"It's fantastic, you'll love it!"

"There's no mess at all! Just rinse it out!"

"These things are better than tampons!"

Today, my vagina cup arrived. With trepidation, I ripped open the bag. As if there's a way to have a shred of dignity in this ordeal, the cup was inside a cute little drawstring pouch, such as the way you get pretty jewelry. The thought of jewelry and vaginas made me wonder if I could personalize the thing. Menstrual Bedazzled Cups! Coming to a vagina near you!

I plucked the cup out of the bag and stood there, mouth agape. My eyes widened. Across the room, I heard my 4 year old call out, "What's wrong, Mama?"

This. This is what's wrong.


I'm supposed to put this into my vaginal area? My birthing canal? The hoohaa location? WHAT?

Look. Don't get me wrong. I've pushed some mighty fat heads across that threshold. I know what women can do when it's time to do it. But I don't want to do it every month for 3-5 days! Are you KIDDING ME?

This thing is like 3 inches long! And over an inch wide! And thick, and grippy. I didn't even bother to try it out. I just sat down to write out my woes.

My vagina cup is too big for my vagina. You know that meme about first world problems?

Yeah.

19 comments:

  1. Bwwahahahahaa! Guggie you are hilarious! Try it, you'll like it! (ps don't tell anyone, but usually women find out they have shorter periods by using the cup.)

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  2. They really are awesome! Look up different folding methods. I prefer the punch-down method, myself. And cut off the stem, it's uncomfortable and you can easily push it down and grab it when you need to.

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  3. It's really not... You just fold it in half, and then stick that up and then twist it in a full circle to make sure it's open completely. It seems huge, but it's really, really not. I LOVE it!

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  4. LOL, I must have bought on the SAME deal you did. I've always thought it was gross but the crunchy in me wanted to try it...and hey...it's a deal..so if I don't love it, I didn't waste a fortune on it!! I too have trepidation about trying it, and so, mine has been sitting in my medicine cabinet for 3 months now, waiting for me to sterilize it and use it...LOL LOL LOL...maybe next month?? Doubt it. ;)

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  5. I tried one but dint like it, personally. Like you, I disliked the price tag on mama cloth, but I also didn't want disposable products. So I made my own, mostly from scraps. I'm sure my family think I'm insane.

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  6. Honestly, I like mine for when I *know* I'm going to be out of the house for a long time (which is not often), and I don't want to deal with cloth while out and about. But I don't feel right having anything unnatural in the nether regions, so I truly prefer my 100% cotton mam cloth. It's nice in a pinch, but that's the only time I use it. That being said, when I do choose to use it, it works really well. Good luck!

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  7. Oh well have I got a solution for you.. SOFTCUPS!
    check em out. They are amazing, can't feel them and they're small. They now have reusable ones.

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  8. You may be surprised :) And if you don't like it (or want backup) I really like the Charlie Banana pads I got on Amazon-- three for $20. So you can stash up a little more cheaply :)

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  9. I got one in the summer and it was great for going to the beach. Swimming while wearing mama cloth just sounds a bit awkward and I'd rather shove a silicone cup up my vag than a wad of bleached paper. I've used it occasionally on really heavy days when I know I'll be out for a few hours but I still prefer my mama cloth for everyday use. I will admit that I bought fancy hand-dyed bamboo mama cloth (homestead emporium) but my dozen or so pads are still going strong after 2 years of monthly use so I think I'm still coming out ahead.

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  10. Bag the whole thing and just get pregnant. That way you dont have to worry about it. ;)

    Seriously though...how in the world are you having a period nursing three children?????

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  11. I have to cut off the long stem thingie because it irritates me (reason why I gave up on it the first time I tried it). I used the FAQ of the website where I purchased it. Don't believe people if they say it works easy-peasy the first time. I had an adjustment period (pardon the pun) of a couple of cycles before I was a convert. Now I won't use anything but and I am a convert through and through! I change it in the morning when I get up and at night (approximately every 12 hours). I know that some say there is no leaking, but I do have a bit occasionally (especially if I haven't put it in properly and have a good seal). I just use cloth pantyliners as well. Honestly it is worth trying and persevering. Think of it like breastfeeding: not everyone has an easy time right off the bat, it's something you have to learn how to do, sometimes there are problems and you just gotta be patient and ask someone else who does it how it works, if they had the same problems and how they got past them.

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  12. I agree with the poster above, you have to use it a few cycles to get the hang of it. I love mine and I do have shorter periods and less cramping and such. I had to clip the end of mine too and I have no irritation like I did with tampons. I had to look up different folds though, the ones recomended by manufacturer werent good for me.

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  13. It's so easy once you get the hang of it! FWIW, I get to bleed 8 days a month but the Diva Cup has definitely paid for itself. I love it!

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  14. I tried one of those! Hated it. Couldn't get it to fit right, tried trimming the end, all sorts of positioning. It was messy, unpleasant to clean when out. Gave it up. I've heard so many women rave about them, but it just didn't work for me!

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    1. You could find a 40cm×120cm porous stone to go in the vagina and hippies/feminists flock to it BECAUSE it wrecked your junk.Any woman who didnt want to treat there vagina like Mammoth Cave would just be dismissed as objectified and mysogenistically brainwashed.

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  15. Yeah, I'm afraid of those too. I really like my mama cloth,and have picked up my entire stash (man i must have upwards of 25) for less than 100 bucks spent over a 2 month period (hahaha).. I did a lot of etsy, and did really well. I really like "poppets pockets". They are inexpensive, use natural fabrics (no PUL) and work well. :) Just sayin'.

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  16. When I first learned such things even existed I remember being both horrified and laughing hysterically at the idea. 10 years and 2 kids later I finally tried one. I have gone from 6 days of serious discomfort to 3 totally forgettable days of nothing. Why did I not try one sooner???? Sure, it won't work for everyone, but I'm so pleased it works for me!

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  17. this is quite possibly the most awesome thing i've ever read.

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  18. there is a better version, its a lot comfier, its called a soft cup and its the same concept. really good.

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